Patients Make the Worst Doctors.

That's right ladies and gentlemen. Among several other things that happened this week, Dr. Jack tried oversee his own appendectomy.

Um...Jack?

In the history of bad ideas, watching your own abdominal surgery in a mirror under primitive conditions falls somewhere between "Cop Rock", letting Joel Schumacher direct a Batman movie and invading Russia in the winter time.

This week opens with Juliet calling Jack to wake him up. He awakes to find the camp in turmoil as Bernard and Rose are on the offensive with Daniel and Charlotte, trying to get them to explain why they've been lying about the eminent rescue and why suddenly there is no signal on the sat phone.

Charlotte asks a reasonable question. "How are we supposed to know why they're not answering?"

Rose has abandoned reasonable answers. "Oh, who's talking to you?"

"And in case you haven't noticed, we're not on the bloody boat, are we?"

"Just watch your tone, Red." I don't care if it turns out that Charlotte is also a fucking ninja, Rose would beat her silly on principle alone.

Jack finally gets up the strength to interrupt the conversation and calm everyone down.

"I know they're lying. I know it. Sooner or later, their people are gonna come back for them, and when they do, we'll be waiting for them."

"Unless they run off again."

As he reminds the group that he made a promise to them, that he would get them all off the island, whatever malady is weakening him finally takes over and he falls to the ground and loses consciousness.

In a nice bed in a nice room, Jack slowly wakes up to the sound of a phone ringing. The woman on the phone, Jane, has called to remind him of a change on his calendar and that he has an appointment at 11 O'Clock that morning. He gets out of bed, wraps a towel around his waist (Um...why is there a towel in the bed? I mean, perhaps it's there for a {ahem} good reason, but would he then want to wear it down to breakfast?) and heads downstairs, picking up a pair of frilly pink panties on the way.

I'll be honest. I briefly (pun intended) entertained the idea that after all of the island trauma, Jack returns to the mainland and becomes a cross-dresser.

He deposits the slinky bit of crotch wear into a hamper on his way out of the bedroom and heads downstairs. In the kitchen he trips over a replica Millennium Falcon. I know that most people assume that the presence of such an item indicates a child lives in the house. Not so. Many adults, myself included, own similar replicas. What indicates that there is a child in the house is that it's on the floor, not displayed proudly under glass with its own humidity and temperature controls.

He clears away last night's wine glasses and starts the coffee. A quick scan of the paper tells him that the Yankees have just completed a sweep of the Red Sox in a series. The opening line of the article reads "The sweep was more emphatic last August" indicating that this article is likely from some time in 2007, since the Yankees took 5 in a row from the Sox in an infamous five game series in August the previous year. I can't make out too much more of the article, but it seems to indicate a 5-0 victory for the Yankees, which means it's the August 31, 2007 game. So it seems like we're seeing Jack on September 1, 2007. I don't know if that's significant, but hey, I'm a LOST fan. We live for this stuff.

He tosses the news unhappily on the counter with a disgusted "A-Rod" comment and heads back upstairs for a shower.

He isn't the only one with that idea, since a female form is already in the shower.

So much for my Jackie Shepherd idea...

The gal in the shower tells him that she bought him a razor and that it's by the sink.

When he hears the water go off, Jack rushes over to the shower stall and holds out a towel for his lady. The door opens to reveal...Kate!

I'll be honest. I spend a lot of time talking to my television, particularly when I watch Lost. All I could say here was "Buh?" I really didn't expect that. Didn't even hear "Kate" in the voice from the shower, actually. I really thought it would be Juliet.

Jack's chivalrous towel fetching wins him a wet, naked kiss. Lucky bastard.

Later, Jack is reading to Aaron.

"I wonder if I've been changed in the night. Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? But if I'm not the same, the next question is, 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle"

Well, Jack, considering that the current you has no appendectomy scar, I'm thinking something's up.

(Through the Looking Glass sidenote: This is an excerpt from "Alice In Wonderland" by Lewis Carroll. Trippy alternate reality, LSD like elements, drug smoking caterpillars, insane women with axe fetishes, invisible creatures in the trees all grounded by a cute little blonde who is the only sane one in the story. Um...could they be trying to tell us something? Not to mention the whole "Looking Glass" station and it's ties to Carroll's sequel to Alice in Wonderland, "Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There" which tells of the infamous Jabberwock {"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!/The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!/Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun/The frumious Bandersnatch!"} in it's hallucinatory pages.)

Kate watches him lovingly as he reads to the boy and tells him that he's a natural as they turn out the light in the child's room.

"My old man used to read me that story." Gee. I wonder if anybody ever read it to Claire?

Kate likes to hear him say nice things about his Dad.

"I don't say nice things about my dad? Well, he was a good storyteller. I'll give him that."

She tells him that she's glad he changed his mind about seeing Aaron and that he's there.

He's also glad he's there.

Considering that the kid is asleep and Kate's not wearing any pants, I'd be glad to be there too.

Lucky bastard.

On the beach, Jack returns to consciousness and despite the best efforts of Kate and Juliet, he insists he's simply dehydrated and wanders off to get some rest.

Out in the jungle, Claire is also insisting that she's fine, despite the blow to the head that she took when he house fell on her.

"Bit of a headache, but at least I'm not seeing things anymore."

Miles asks, "Yeah? What'd you see?"

Sawyer gets a bit protective at this point. "Back off, Donger."

(PCI {Pop-Culture Impairment} sidenote: I had to look up "Donger" because I never watched "Sixteen Candles", "Pretty in Pink" or "Breakfast Club" type films as a teen in the eighties. And I never will...)

As Sawyer tries to change the subject, Miles tunes in to the events that occurred in the clearing earlier. He hears bullets whizzing and Alex yelling before he asks "Who's Danielle and Karl?"

Within a few seconds of swiping at the ground, he finds both of them buried in shallow graves, their faces barely covered.

I am reminded of Locke's advice to Paulo about burying things on the island: "Things don't stay buried on this island."

Sawyer wonders if maybe Miles knew the bodies were there because he was involved in putting them there in the first place.

"They're not my buddies, man. I didn't sign up for this."

The three of them head back to the beach, leaving the two corpses where they found them.

Back at the beach, Juliet convinces Jack to let her examine him in case what he's got is more serious than the food poisoning he suspects.

She does and it is.

"It's your appendix, Jack. When did the pain start?"

"Yesterday."

"Has it ruptured?"

"Not yet."

"Well... I guess we're just gonna have to take it out."

Remember when the Professor had to replace two of Gilligan's fillings and it turned out that the filler he used was actually plastique explosive? This is nothing like that, but since nobody is drawing Gilligan's Island parallels on the show, I feel it's only right that somebody do it for them.

In order to cut Jack's gut open, Juliet is going to need more than a steak knife, so she sends Sun to the medical station to gather the supplies she'll need. Sun worries that she won't be able to recognise all the equipment.

Daniel offers to go with her and help, since he's familiar with the surgical equipment.

"I thought you were a physicist."

"Yeah, well, I've done some animal autopsies, too, so if...if..."

Poor, poor Eloise.

Rose doesn't trust them and neither does Juliet. After Charlotte's attitude nearly sinks the deal, Faraday cowboys up and politely tells her to stop being such a bitch. Juliet finally agrees, but with conditions. She hands Jin her gun.

"Either of them tries to run? Shoot 'em in the leg."

That situation dealt with, she begins issuing instructions for setting up their makeshift operating theatre. "We need to create a sterile environment. Find a hard surface, wash it down, gather as many tarps as you can."

Kate asks why they don't just take Jack to the medical equipment instead of the other way 'round.

"Because if we move him, there's a good chance that his appendix will rupture. And if that happens, he's gonna die."

Out in the jungle, Miles is eyeing Claire and Sawyer doesn't like the look in his eye.

"Don't look at her. Don't talk to her. Don't mess with her. You got a restraining order. 20 feet."

"What are you, her big brother?"

"No. I'm the guy who's gonna put a boot in your face unless you say, 'Yeah. I getcha.'"

"Yeah. I getcha."

Was I the only one really hoping for a fight?

At the beach, Rose and Bernard are washing down the slab of metal that they plan to use as a surgical bed. Bernard sees that Rose is looking concerned and tries to reassure her.

"Honey, I am sure Jack is gonna be okay. An appendectomy is just about the most common kind of surgery there is."

"That's not what I was thinking about. I was thinkin', 'Why did he get sick?'"

"Why? It's just...it's just bad luck."

"The day before we're all supposed to be rescued, the person that we count on the most suddenly comes down with a life-threatening condition, and you're chalking it up to bad luck?"

"Well, what are you saying, that Jack did something to offend the gods? People get sick, Rose."

"Not here. Here, they get better."

In a tent, Juliet is carefully shaving Jack's torso in preparation for his appendectomy.

"When was the last time you did this?"

"An appendectomy or shaving a man's stomach?"

Nothing like getting a laugh out of a guy who's appendix might burst at any moment.

When she tells him that she did a lot of them back in her residency, Jack tells her that he wants to stay awake through the procedure and talk her through it. I'm pretty sure she could have told him that she'd done several in the last week and control freak Jack would have said the same thing. When was the last time Mr. Spinal Surgeon did an appendectomy?

More than staying awake, he wants Kate in the O.T. (Operating Tent) to hold the mirror for him. Or possibly to keep an eye on Juliet and make sure that she doesn't betray his trust and kill him?

Walking with a patient, Jack finishes up the consult with standard surgical admonitions against solid food before surgery. As his patient leaves, a man in a suit catches Jack's attention. It sure looks like the late Christian Shephard.

A colleague approaches him, calling his name several times and distracting him long enough for the man to vanish. He takes the x-ray that his fellow doctor wants him to look over but before he can look at it too closely, the receptionist interrupts to tell him he's got a call from Santa Rosa Hospital about a friend of his.

At Santa Rosa, Dr. Stillman explains to Jack that not only has Hurley stopped sleeping and taking his medication, but his therapy isn't doing any good anymore since he's also stopped believing that Dr. Stillman exists.

Jack enters Hurley's room and immediately asks him why he's stopped his medication.

"'Cause we're dead... All of us. All the Oceanic Six. We're all dead. We never got off that island.

"Hurley... That is not true."

"What'd you do today?"

"What did I do today? I, uh... I woke up, took a shower. Uh, Kate and I fed the baby."

"I thought you didn't want anything to do with Aaron."

"I changed my mind after the trial."

"Living with Kate. Taking care of Aaron. It all seems so perfect. Just like heaven."

"Just because I'm happy doesn't mean that this isn't real, Hurley."

"I was happy, too, Jack. For a while, anyway. Then I saw Charlie. He likes to sit with me on the bench out on the front lawn. It's pretty cool, actually."

Jack asks what the two of them talk about and Hurley produces a message that Charlie sent for Jack, making Hurley write it down so he'd get it right. "You're not supposed to raise him, Jack."

Jack doesn't seem happy about hearing this. As he leaves, he has one final instruction for Hurley. "Take your meds, Hurley. Just take 'em."

Just before he closes the door, Hurley has one final thing to say. "Hey, Jack? Charlie said someone's gonna be visiting you, too. Soon."

Kudos to the director of this episode for making this scene stand out in an uber creepy way, particularly considering that it focused on the warmest, cuddliest cast member.

Out in the jungle, Sun, Jin, Charlotte and Daniel reach the medical station. Charlotte opens the doors, but Daniel asks her to let him go first, to make sure that it's safe. I find it odd that Jin wouldn't suspiciously go with him to make sure that he didn't betray them, but if he had then the next part of the scene wouldn't happen.

As Daniel disappears into the hatch, Jin asks Sun in Korean if she thinks that Charlotte knows that Faraday likes her.

"She's a woman. She knows."

At this, Charlotte turns and flashes a smile over her shoulder at the Korean couple. Yeah, she speaks Korean and Jin suspects.

Inside the station, Daniel wonders where the power is coming from to keep the lights on, but Charlotte just tells him to add that anomaly to the list.

In Korean, Sun tells Jin that she thinks that the freighter group isn't going to help them. He notices Charlotte watching them as they speak, but despite having his suspicions confirmed, he tells Sun "Don't worry about them. I promise you, Sun. I will get you and our baby off this island."

Speaking of babies that get off the island, Aaron and company are out in the jungle when they hear a rustling in the leaves up ahead. Sawyer pushes Claire gently behind him, aiming at where he thinks he sees something.

Through the trees comes...Lapidus!

Miles recognises him but before any formal introductions can be made, the pilot convinces the group that they have to hide before Keamy and his mercenaries find them. Sawyer grabs Claire and they run into the brush. No sooner do they get out of sight than Keamy and company, carrying an obviously wounded comrade, stumble out of the jungle.

In a scene that reminded me of the bus scene in the finale of M*A*S*H where Hawkeye demands that a woman keep her child quiet lest they all be caught by the North Koreans (if you've never seen the finale, I can't recommend it highly enough and I won't spoil it for you - if you have seen it, you'll never forget that scene) Claire tries desperately to keep Aaron from giving their position away.

Keamy hears something, but he lets Lapidus convince him to head back to the chopper when he tells him that he absolutely won't fly Faraday's bearings in the dark.

Whew!

(Lack of tension sidenote: This scene was tense, but since we know that Aaron makes it off the island, not that tense. One big drawback of the flash forwards.)

Back on the beach, Kate tells Juliet that they've got the surgery tent all set. Juliet asks her to help out during the surgery. When Kate seems hesitant, Juliet lets her know that all she needs to do is hold a mirror so Jack can watch the surgery and talk Juliet through it. Juliet is surprised when Kate starts to chuckle.

"What?"

"I'm just surprised he's not taking it out of himself by now."

Just then, Jack comes out of the tent, stubbornly insisting on walking the 50 feet to the makeshift operating room. As Kate ducks under his shoulder to help him, he starts to tell her what to do in case anything happens to him.

"Shut up, Jack."

"Fair enough."

(Dialogue sidenote: "Fair enough" was Locke's agreement statement when Sawyer warned him not to hurt Hurley in the previous episode.)

Outside of Santa Rosa Hospital, Jack sits in his SUV (he does that a lot...) and stares at the bench where Hurley sits and talks with Charlie.

As is usual for Jack in a moment after sitting in his car and thinking, he does something rash. After asking Kate if she really thinks that he's good at the whole child rearing gig, he pops the question. A teary Kate is thrilled to say that she will indeed marry him.

Let's see, a cop, a doctor... If Kate ends up marrying an Indian Chief, she'll prove my new theory that she's secretly a recruiter for the Village People.

After dark on the beach, Sun's party returns and Juliet directs her to the water they have boiling to sterilize the instruments. As the group breaks up, Jin confronts Charlotte. He speaks to her in Korean. She feigns not understanding, but he's certain she does and continues.

"If you continue to lie... I'm going to hurt your friend Daniel. I'm going to break his fingers one at a time. Do you understand that?"

Sure enough, Charlotte understands that.

"What do you want?

"When the helicopter comes for you... You're going to take my wife off this island."

"What about you and the rest of your friends?"

"Just get her on the helicopter."

With a nod, a conversation that was almost the reverse of the one that Jin had with the Korean speaking white guy in the airport, is over. Yeah, Charlotte's motives are as clear as mud. Hey, Ben has Michael, why couldn't Mr. Paik have Charlotte?

In the Gilligan's Island surgical theatre, Bernard injects Jack's abdomen with the Lidocaine but warns him that he's not going to be totally numb once the incision opens him up.

Jack directs Kate to place the mirror where he can see it and Juliet starts the incision. As anyone with half a brain could have predicted, Jack is unable to handle the pain and over his objections, Bernard uses the chloroform to knock him out. Jack the surgeon should know that there's a pretty good reason that appendectomies are done under general anesthetic, not local - it's called abdominal surgery, not happy fun tickle time.

Back in the x-ray room, Jack is going over a patient's diagnosis when he hears an insistent beeping. He follows it out into the hall to discover that it's a smoke detector gone haywire. He grabs a chair and gets up to remove the battery. Once he's down, he starts back to his office when he hears someone call his name.

It's Christian. The late, unlamented Christian. Jack is dumbfounded. As he starts toward the apparition of his dead father, another voice calls his name.

It's Erika, asking if he's okay. When he turns back, Christian is gone.

Jack lamely explains about the smoke detector as Erika gets ready to leave for the night. Just before she's gone, he asks her to do him a favour and write him a prescription for clonazepam, explaining that he's having trouble sleeping with all that's going on in his life at the moment.

"You know, getting engaged is supposed to help reduce stress, not create it."

This woman has obviously never planned a wedding in her life.

She gives him the prescription and suggests that maybe he should talk to somebody.

"I'll do that."

Question: Does clonazepam have any side effects? Like rampant facial hair growth?

Coming home, Jack overhears Kate on the phone with someone.

"Yeah, I'll just have the nanny stay for an extra couple hours. Jack's never home before 8:00 anyway. I could stay for at least an hour. (Keys jangle) I--I gotta go. Jack's home. Yeah, okay. I'll call you later. Bye."

"Sorry. I thought you'd be in bed. Who was that?"

"That was Noreen."

"Noreen?"

"Yeah. She's one of the moms from the park. What?"

"Nothing. I just... never heard you mention her before."

"Well, now you have."

Kate heads up to bed, leaving Jack to scarf a couple of clonazepam's and wash them down with a beer. Geez, even before he starts taking the things he's lost interest in the fact that Kate's taking her sweet little self up to bed...

Out in the jungle, Claire wakes up to find that Aaron is no longer sleeping beside her. She looks around and sees something unexpected. Aaron in the arms of a familiar figure. Christian.

"Dad?"

At the beach, Bernard gives Kate the bad news. Jack's fine and will live to whine and bawl another day.

She heads in to see him and finds Juliet stitching him up, something she too has done before. After reassuring her that Jack will be fine as long as they can get him to rest, Juliet tells Kate a secret.

"You know, he kissed me."

"What?"

"The other day, when you came back from the other side of the Island, Jack kissed me."

"Oh."

"It was nice. But it wasn't for me. It was for him. I'm pretty sure he was trying to prove something."

"Prove what?"

"That he doesn't love someone else."

Kate takes that in and then thanks Juliet, ostensibly for saving Jack's life, but it's a double edged expression of gratitude.

After she's gone, Juliet informs Jack that she knows he's awake. He heard every word.

Back in the world, Jack sits in a darkened room, surrounded by dead soldiers when Kate arrives home. He quizzes her about why the nanny was still there when he got home, but that's obviously not what he really wants to know. She asks him why he's home so early.

"I went to see Hurley."

"Today?"

"Last Friday."

"Why didn't you tell me? I would've gone with you."

"Because he's crazy, Kate, and I didn't wanna upset you." With a sigh, Jack changes the subject. "Where were you today?"

She tries desperately to get him to drop the subject but he's adamant. Finally, she tells him the awful (ok, it's actually not awful - for a normal person it would be barely worth raising one's voice over, but naturally for Jack it's beyond bearable) truth.

"I was doing something for him."

"For who?"

"For Sawyer. I made him a promise. It..."

When he asks why she didn't just tell him, she claims it's because Sawyer wouldn't want her to.

"But he's not here, is he? No. No, he made his choice. He chose to stay. I'm the one who came back. I'm the one who's here. I'm the one who saved you."

"Jack. You can't...You can't do this. If you have problems, you need to figure them out. All right? 'Cause I can't have you like this around my son."

"Your son? You're not even related to him!"

Naturally, Aaron choses this moment to enter the room.

It seems from this that Jack might be aware that he's Aaron's biological uncle, but my guess is that he's just being an asshole. Much like my new "Everything at face value" policy in regards to the show in general, I'm starting a new "Jack's just being an asshole" policy this week. I simply can't believe that he actually knows anything.

Out in the jungle, Sawyer awakes to find that the camp is short two members.

He asks Miles about the missing duo.

"Where's Claire? Ladies' room?"

"Nope. She just walked off into the jungle."

"What? When?"

"In the middle of the night. Just got up and left."

"You let her go alone?"

"She wasn't alone."

"Well, who was she with?"

"She called him "Dad". I'd have followed them, but I have a restraining order."

Naturally we all wonder if ghostbuster Miles saw a real Christian or a ghost Christian. Sawyer, not knowing about Miles' "gift" takes a more practical approach to the problem and grabs Miles with intent to wound. Before he can put the promised boot in Miles' face a baby's cry catches his attention and he runs off into the jungle to try to find Aaron calling for Claire as he searches.

He finds Aaron, but no sign of Claire. Channelling Michael, he cries "Claire! Claire! Claire! Claaaaaiiiire!"

Anybody wanna lay odds that Sawyer's reason for staying is that they haven't found Claire when the rescue opportunity happens?

It'll Cost You A Pretty Penny.

In the first episode after the mini-hiatus, Lost focused all of it's attention on one thing.

Turning Ben from a villain to a hero.

Yes, yes, I know he's still smirking at his own manipulative genius, looking out only for number one. Turning him into a hero doesn't necessarily require that he have his figurative nads cut off. He'll always be a bit of a creep, but he's a creepy good guy.

Don't believe me?

How bad did you feel for him when he said goodbye to his daughter?

How cool did you think it was when he clocked the guy with his telescopic baton?

Who were you most sympathetic to in the final scene?

All along, he's been saying that he and his group are the good guys. In keeping with my new "everything at face value" Lost philosophy, I'm ready to believe him.

(Before we begin sidenote: This week's episode is entitled "The Shape of Things to Come" which is the title of an H.G. Wells novel. The book details a "future history" which includes a world wide dictatorship, submarine based warfare and an eventual collapse of government which leads to the rise of a Utopian state in its place. Wells was eerily prescient about many of the world's troubles in the late 20th Century. I suspect the only Lost connection is the idea of a "future history". The novel itself is supposedly the edited notes of a man who dreams about a history text created in the future. Lost writers seem obsessed with variations on the time travel theme.)

On the beach, Kate is giving herself a sponge bath when Jack strolls by. She gives him a sexy little wave which he halfheartedly returns. He then wanders over to the supply tent and doses himself up with a handful of tablets. Kate sneaks up behind him and half jokingly asks if he has a prescription for the meds. It seems Jack has a stomach bug and is trying to calm it with some anti-biotics.

Kate changes the subject and asks about Sayid and the freighter. He reminds her that Sayid told them that the engine on the boat was down and that they are now unable to communicate with the boat. In his gut, he's sure that rescue is only a matter of time.

"I thought your gut was sick."

Before Jack can reassure her further, Vincent's barking interrupts them. As everyone knows by now, that can't be good.

Sure enough, it's not.

After a panicked moment where Bernard is frantically calling for help, the assembled group pulls a body from the surf. When they turn it over, we see a familiar, if somewhat pasty, face.

It's Ray! The freighter's doc seems to have met with a helluva shaving accident.

Back in the barracks, Hurley seems concerned.

"We're all gonna die."

Sawyer is less concerned.

"Calm down Chicken Little. The sky ain't fallin' just yet."

"This is exactly what he wants. To fight amongst ourselves. You're making a big mistake, dude."

Locke interjects. "It's his to make, Hugo. Let's get on with it."

Sawyer makes the fateful choice. "Right. I'm attacking Siberia."

Yes, the newest game on the show is my all time fave, RISK.

After Sawyer wins his chosen battle, Hurley has a few more choice words for the gamers. "I can't believe you're giving him Australia. Australia's the key to the whole game."

(Risk addict side note: Two things are striking here. "We're all gonna die," is an odd thing to say when three people are playing. I can see him saying "We're both
gonna die," but "We're all gonna die" was obviously a line for effect. Personally, I don't mind being suckered like that, but I prefer it to be done honestly which this wasn't. More interestingly, "Australia is the key to the whole game" could be a little message to the audience. I've said all along that there MUST be a reason that they went to the trouble of setting the show in Australia originally, since with a very few minor tweaks the story works just as well if the plane takes off from L.A. rather than Sydney. The expense of location shooting, reversed shots of cars and such are unlikely to be "just because". Of course, in RISK, Australia often IS the key to the whole game.)

I find it interesting that they introduce RISK to the show this week. Up to now, with the exception of poker, all the iconic games in the show have been black and white oriented. Backgammon and chess have figured prominently and their obvious black and white symbolism has been a device that the writers have used to frame "us vs. them" conflicts. RISK is completely different. First, there are NO white pieces, although there are black. You cannot play RISK properly with less than three people, so it seems as though the writers are trying to tell us that there are no longer just white hats and black hats in play. Taken as a symbol in direct contrast to the other symbolic games we've seen, RISK seems to represent a "muddying of the waters" where many sides are after the same goal, and that the show is moving into a phase where the concepts of white and black (good and evil) are no longer simple and obvious. RISK is a game of strategy, luck and shifting alliances and more importantly, it can be a game whose outcome is settled by betrayal.

Out in the jungle, Alex is being led around by several men whose faces we don't see. They force her to her knees and make her enter the code to disarm the sonic fence. She tries to ask them not to hurt the baby that's with the group, but a pistol to the back of her head convinces her to enter the code as requested. One - Six - Two - Three. Yeah, we all saw that.

In Ben's house, a phone with no dialing mechanism starts to ring. When Locke picks it up, an automated voice tells him "Code Fourteen J." Hurley asks who's calling.

"I think it's for Ben."

In another house, Ben is playing piano when Locke and Sawyer rush in.

"What's code fourteen J?"

After a beat, Ben recovers. "Where did you hear that?" When Locke tells him, Ben springs into action. He opens the piano bench, pulls out a concealed shotgun, cocks it and hands it to a stunned Sawyer. "We need to get to the other house. It's easier to fortify and we'll have better position on the tree lines."

"What are you talking about?"

"They're here."

When next we see Ben Linus, he's lying flat on his back in the middle of a desert. The helpful subtitle tells us it's the Sahara. Considering he's wearing a parka and a somewhat confused expression, I'd say it's a safe bet that like my luggage every time I fly, he's ended up somewhere other than the destination on his ticket.

(Halliwax sidenote: As you've probably already googled, "Halliwax" is the name that Marvin Candle uses in the infamous viral video with the duplicated rabbits. So, is this Ben 2.0 or was the duplicate rabbit just a fluke of quantum blah-blah-blah? I doubt we're going to find out any time soon and even when we do find out, I have a sneaking suspicion that the answer will barely rise to the level of pseudo-science. Still if the folks on the island have a matter transportation device, there could be some interesting and maybe pretty cool story telling to come out of it.)

After getting rid of the airline food, Ben sees two men on horseback ride up. He gives them his best "Hey, I'm just a stupid tourist" look when they point their weapons at him. One dismounts and gives him a rough frisking, coming across a metal object in Ben's pocket. My Arabic is rusty, but I'm pretty sure that he doesn't make the requisite "Or are you just happy to see me?" quip. As he moves around behind Ben, we learn something important about Mr. Linus.

He's a fucking ninja.

Seriously. Benny whips out his "Didn't I tell you? I'm a fucking ninja" baton, clocks Mr. Frisky, spins around behind him and while using him as a shield he forces him
to shoot Mr. I Don't Find You Attractive Enough To Frisk.

When Ben turns his "I can kill you in seven different ways right now" bug eyes back to Mr. Frisky, to avoid peeing his khaftan he yells "Surrender! Surrender!"

"Oh, so you do speak English." Good night Mr. Frisky.

Injured arm? What injured arm. It's just a flesh wound. Ben can still kill you in seconds with a pair of nail clippers. Considering that basically everybody on the island but Aaron has beaten the living hell out of him at one point or another, this sudden ninja-facation seems...odd. Almost like we're supposed to start seeing Ben in a whole new light...

Back in the barracks, Ben is leading Sawyer and Locke back to his old house. Note that Ben, capable, calm, in control Ben, is walking. While Sawyer and Locke are almost jogging to keep up. Ben is the leader now. Locke doesn't know it, but Ben is using this emergency to exert control and more importantly, take control away from Locke. Locke doesn't realize it, but Ben could have killed him at any moment using nothing more than the melon rind from his breakfast. He's a fucking ninja.

Of course, Ben still needs Locke.

Ben explains that the code on the phone is a panic code telling him that one of his people has been compromised and forced to deactivate the fence. When he finds out that they debated asking him about the code for nearly five minutes, Ben isn't impressed.

"Well, so much for our head start."

Against Ben's better judgement, Sawyer rushes off to get Claire. Ben keeps Locke close.

"It's very important that you survive what's about to happen here, John, so I need you to stay close to me."

"And why would I do that?"

"Because the people that are coming won't risk hurting me. You want to live? I'm your best chance." And, I'm a fucking ninja.

On the beach, Jack is still trying to figure out the dead doctor. He asks Charlotte and Faraday if they know anything about it, but the good doctor was fine the last time they saw him.

"Which was when?"

"When? 'When' is kind of a relative term."

The look on Jack's face says that he's not buying the whole time travel thing at the moment. Charlotte changes the tack of the conversation by interjecting that the two of them simply don't know what happened.

Jack asks about the sat phone, but the microphone was broken and that's one component you can't bypass. Trust this former cell phone repair guy on that. Bernard suggests that they could use the phone to transmit a telegraph type message and Daniel agrees, providing they have some essential parts. Kate thinks that they might have salvaged what he'd need from the plane and Mr. Wizard is happy to have something to do that doesn't involve dead doctors and awkward questions.

Jack catches Bernard before he wanders off.

"Bernard, you got a second?"

In Ben's house, Ben and Locke are fortifying the weak points with furniture when Hurley comes into the room with Aaron. When he sees what the two men are doing, he wonders how Sawyer is going to get back in.

"He's not."

Speaking of Sawyer, he runs into a redshirt gathering firewood and asks him if he's seen Claire recently. He hasn't, but he has seen his final moments as a gunshot from nowhere takes him out. Redshirt number two comes bounding out to see what all the commotion is about and promptly finds out the hard way. Redshirt number three, not wanting to miss his big scene, jumps out the door to check on his fellow disposable castaways and gets a nice bullet in the chest as his reward. The whole time Sawyer is yelling at them to get back in the house, but no one is listening to him.

I was waiting for redshirt number four and a smart ass remark from Sawyer, but alas, redshirt dominoes ended after three large caliber rounds.

Sawyer shoots back, runs through a hail of bullets across the compound, returns fire from behind an upturned picnic table. As he runs for Claire's house, someone in the tree line fires a rocket propelled grenade and turns it into matchsticks.

Sawyer can do nothing but shout her name as her house goes up in a gout of flame.

Ben finds his way into a hotel lobby, still wearing the dead man's headscarf as a tourniquet. The receptionist speaks excellent English and asks him if it's his first time in Tunisia.

"No, but it's been a while." Last time he rode a polar bear in...

It turns out that Ben's alias, Dean Moriarty, is a preferred guest at the hotel and by the look on the receptionist's face, an important one.

As she hands him the key, she asks if there's anything else she can help him with. He asks her for today's date. October 24th.

"2005?"

"Yes, sir. 2005."

With feigned embarrassment, he thanks her and walks away. As he heads for his room, his attention is caught by the name "Sayid Jarah" on the television where a newscaster is speaking in Arabic, as he turns, the words "Oceanic Six" come through in English. Sayid is on the television saying that he only wants to bury his wife in peace.

Back in the barracks, Locke is demanding answers from Ben and yelling at Hurley to take Aaron away from the window. As Hurley leaves, Ben explains that Locke needs to survive because the only person that can help them is Jacob, and he and Locke need to go to him together.

"What makes you think I can find him? I... I don't even know where the cabin is."

"I know. But Hurley does."

Sawyer rushes into the rubble to find Claire.

He pulls her out and rushes to Ben's house. He doesn't even have a smart ass remark when she calls him "Charlie". I suppose it's not surprising that she'd see a munchkin...er, hobbit after having a house dropped on her.



With Claire in his arms, Sawyer pounds on the door of Ben's house, but while Hurley is ready to move the furniture and let him in, Ben has other ideas and cocks his gun to make his point.

Hurley makes his heroic choice and picks up an ottoman and heaves it through the front window. He then helps Sawyer lift Claire across the glassy threshold.

Once they get her safely inside, Sawyer has some serious questions to pose to Ben.

"Why slaughter people without even telling us what they want?"

"Those people were murdered to make you angry, James. So you'd be more likely to come storming in here and throw me to the wolves."

"Yeah, what's wrong with that? Sounds like a great plan to me." He turns to Locke and suggests that they do just that on a three count. Before we can learn if he's serious or just blowing off steam, the doorbell rings.

After a little eye-speak as they clear away the barricade, Sawyer pulls someone inside with all three guns pointed at him.

"Miles?"

"Who the hell let you out?"

"The people who gave me this." He holds out a walkie talkie. "They want to talk."

As Sayid prepares to bury his wife, the funeral procession is watched by Ben, posing as a part of the press. He goes up to a roof and photographs a man who is watching the procession as it passes. At one point, Sayid seems to sense his presence and looks up to the roof where he's perched and right into the camera lens.

Ben runs for his van, but before he can get there, a very pissed off widower tackles him. At first he's angry that the press has invaded the somber moment of laying his wife to rest, but when he realizes just who he has in his grasp he slows down a bit.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to find the man who murdered your wife."

Sayid isn't satisfied with that and shoves Ben roughly into a corner. He should be careful. Ben's a fucking ninja.

"How did you get here?"

"I came across the Syrian border. It's really not as difficult as you might..."

"How did you get off the island?

"Your friend Desmond had a boat, remember? The Elizabeth. I followed a heading to Fiji. Then I chartered a plane." Ben is also a fucking liar.

"Why now?"

"You remember the name Charles Widmore, don't you? The man who tried to convince the world that your plane was on the bottom of the ocean?"

"What does it have to do with me? With Nadia?"

"There was a man at her procession. He goes by the name of Ishmael Bakir. He's one of Widmore's men."

Ben shows him a picture of the man he was just photographing. "Bakir was last seen five days ago in Los Angeles, caught by a traffic camera, speeding away from the corner of La Brea and Santa Monica."

"That's three blocks from where Nadia was killed. Why would these people want to murder her?"

"I don't know. But they did."

Sayid angrily crushes the photograph in an "I may not be a fucking ninja, but I'm a fucking badass in my own way and I am going to extract some epic, over the top, summer blockbuster style revenge on these people" gesture.

Back at Ben's house, Miles gives Ben the walkie-talkie after explaining that the hostage isn't one of Ben's people who are all prepared to die in the name of the island, but his daughter.

Ben makes contact with Keamy.

"I'd like you to go look out your east window so we can talk about this face to face."

Ben obliges him and peeks through the curtains. Keamy offers to spare everyone if Ben turns himself over to him.

"You and I both know that once you have me, there's nothing to stop you from killing everybody else on this island."

"What kind of guy do you think I am?"

"Martin Christopher Keamy. Former first sergeant, United States Marine Corps, served with distinction from 1996 to 2001, but since then you've worked with a number of mercenary organizations, specifically in Uganda. So I know exactly what kind of man you are, Mr. Keamy, and we can dispense with the formalities."

Keamy obliges with a whistle. Alex gets roughly shoved into view and pushed to her knees.

(Dirty mind sidenote: I really wish that they had made the Alex character older than 16. Even though the actress is 20, I'm just not comfortable with all the "pushed to her knees" references that I could have made in this episode...)

"Get your ass out here right now...or I'm gonna kill your daughter."

"I'd like to present a counter proposal."

"I'm listening."

"You and your friends... You turn around. Walk back to your helicopter. You fly away and forget you ever heard of this island."

Ben seems unclear on the whole "negotiation" concept.

"Dad... They're serious. They killed Karl and my Mother."

Ben tries to reassure her. He's also unclear on that concept too.

"You have ten seconds, Ben."

"Okay, listen."

"Nine."

"She's not my daughter."

"Eight."

"I stole her as a baby from an insane woman. She's a pawn, nothing more. She means nothing to me. I'm not coming out of this house. So if you want to kill her, go ahead and do it..."

And Keamy, apparently unclear on the whole seven through one concept, does.

One shot.

And if you don't think that Ben started down the road to hero in that moment, you weren't watching the same show I was.

The group paces, absorbing the enormity of Alex's death. Sawyer and Locke discuss what their next move should be. Sawyer favours turning Ben over to the mercenaries. Locke is wary that the mercs have no intention of letting them live either way.

Ben whispers almost to himself. "They changed the rules."

Locke wants to know who changed what rules, but Ben ignores him and bolts for his secret room. He gets there before Sawyer can stop him and triggers a door that locks Sawyer out.

Inside, he pulls aside a hidden door (secret doors behind secret doors - what's next? A shoe phone? The Cone of Silence?) that reveals what looks like an ancient stone door. Strange writing covers it almost completely. With the force of his body, Ben pushes through the strange door...



At a cafe in Tikrit, Ben watches his quarry as he sips coffee in a cafe. When Bakir leaves, Ben does his best to follow without being spotted. After losing sight of him, Ben turns a corner and finds only an empty alley. Then he feels the gun.

Bakir has the drop on him. He pushes him into the alley and roughly frisks him. He asks him who he is and why he's following him.

"My name is Benjamin Linus..."

Mr. Frisky II seems to recognize the name. At least he lets his gun lower a bit.

"...And I need you to take a message to Mr. Widmore for me."

"And what message is that?"

A silenced gunshot is heard and Mr. Frisky II slumps to the ground. It's not too shocking to realize that the whole thing was a set up. After all, Ben is a fucking ninja.

Behind him, Sayid stands stock still, pointing the gun at Ben for a heartbeat before turning it on Bakir. He pours his hate, his rage and his sorrow through the barrel and into Bakir's body until the gun is empty, clicking the trigger impotently as if more bullets could somehow ease his pain.

"That should do it."

Ben turns to leave, but Sayid stops him.

"We're finished here, Sayid. Turn around and walk away. Mourn your loss. Get on with your life."

"I have no life. They took it from me."

"Go home, Sayid. Once you let your grief become anger, it will never go away. I speak from experience. This is my war. It's not yours."

Ben turns to leave again, but Sayid won't let him.

"I spent the last eight years of my life searching for the woman I love. I finally found her and I married her. And I buried her yesterday. So don't tell me this is not my war. Benjamin. Who's next?"

"I'll be in touch."

As he walks away, a "Long con successfully executed" smile touches Ben's lips.

While Sawyer pounds on the hidden door, Claire wanders out into the living room, shaken but not stirred. As the group looks to her, Ben emerges from his hidden office and gives them their marching orders.

"Okay, listen to me very carefully: I need all of you to do exactly as I say. In a minute, we have to run from this house as fast as we can. At that moment, when I give the order, I want you to head straight for the tree line."

Hurley asks the obvious question. "You mean towards the guys with guns?

"No, we want to be as far away from them as possible."

As Ben speaks, the house begins to shake. Ben watches as the smoke monster barrels into the compound past his house. After it passes he rushes the group outside.

The four watch in awe as the smoke monster devastates the mercenary group. One guy tries to escape, but smokie pulls him back, presumably to his doom. Ben shoos the group into the tree line. Locke is surprised that Ben is not running with them.

"I have to say goodbye to my daughter, John."

Again, if you missed Ben's first tentative steps on Hero road, the next moment between him and the lifeless body of his daughter was there to make sure you were paying attention.

Back on the beach, Faraday has managed to cobble together a crude Morse code device to send dots and dashes through the satellite phone.

And STILL, not ONE Gilligan's Island Coconut Radio joke.

He sends "What happened to the doctor?"

An extended message comes back and Faraday listens to the entire sequence before translating for the group.

"Okay. They didn't exactly say what happened to the doctor, but your friends are fine, and the helicopter's coming back in...in the morning."

Jack plays his trump card and looks to Bernard for confirmation. "Well?"

"He's lying. What the message said was, 'What are you talking about? The doctor is fine.'"

Apparently, Daniel was unaware that Bernard was not only a dentist, but a former sailor in the merchant marine, versed in Morse code.

"Why are you lying? Why did you say that the helicopters are coming back?

As Jack grabs Faraday by the shirt, Kate tries to calm him down, but he's past that point.

"Were you ever...gonna take us off this island?"

"No. No,no."

Jack almost gets to cry, but the pain in his gut cuts off the water works and he stumbles off into the night, alone.

Out in the jungle, the group is gathered, waiting for Ben. He shows up and Locke offers his simple condolences.

"Sorry about your daughter."

"Thank you, John."

"That being said, you lied to me. You told me you didn't know what the smoke monster was."

"You can ask Jacob all about it when we go to the cabin."

Sawyer is fed up with not being in the loop. "Hang on. 'Jacob'? Who the hell's Jacob?"

"He's the man that's gonna tell us what to do next, James."

Sawyer has had it. He tells Ben that he's taking Claire and heading back to the beach. Miles opts to tag along.

"Let's go. You, too, Hurley."

Hurley starts to join Sawyer, but Ben gives Locke his permission, via a little eye-speak, and Locke cocks his gun and points it at Sawyer.

"Have you lost your mind?"

"Hugo stays with us."

Sawyer is having none of it. He whips around and points his gun at Locke. "Not a chance."

After a few seconds of the two men arguing at gunpoint and ignoring him, Hurley finally convinces them to lower their weapons. He'll go with Locke.

"You harm so much as one hair on his curly head... I'll kill you."

After a second where he seems to be admiring Sawyer's loyalty, Locke agrees. "Fair enough."

Bizarrely, despite claiming to need Hurley to find the cabin, Locke asks Ben which way and Ben confidently tells the two men to follow him. Ben is comfortably back in a leadership position. A perfectly executed coup. Well, except for the dead daughter...

Ben steps out of a cab in London. He walks into the lobby of an upscale apartment and is stopped by the doorman.

The doorman seems surprised that someone would be calling so late at night, but Ben convinces him that he's really there to see the Kendricks in 4E and that he's expected. Considering that he's got his "I'm a fucking ninja" baton behind his back the whole time, the doorman is fortunate that he's a gullible idiot.

Ben gets in the elevator and instead of pressing a button, he first pulls out a key and turns a lock that enables the "penthouse" button. A beat later, he's stepping out of the elevator in the penthouse and into a darkened bedroom.

"Wake up, Charles."

"I wondered when you were gonna show up. I see you've been getting more sun."

"Iraq is lovely this time of year. When did you start sleeping with a bottle of scotch by the bed?"

"When the nightmares started."

As he pours himself a glass of McCutcheon's, Widmore asks if Ben has come to kill him.

"We both know I can't do that."

I'm reminded here of the early James Bond films, where Bond would announce his intention to destroy the villain's empire while casually playing cards, or golf or whatever. Again, Ben is cast in the role of hero here.

"Then why are you here?"

"I'm here, Charles, because you murdered my daughter."

"Don't stand there, looking at me with those horrible eyes of yours and lay the blame for the death of that poor girl on me, when we both know very well I didn't murder her at all, Benjamin. You did."

So, Widmore feels that Ben's actions forced him to act as he did, hiring mercenaries who kill indiscriminately? Villains always feel that they're in the right, even when killing innocent people to further their cause. Again, Widmore has solidified as the villain, Ben as the hero.

"No, that's not true."

"Yes, Benjamin, it is. You creep into my bedroom in the dead of night, like a rat, and have the audacity to pretend that you're the victim? I know who you are, boy. What you are. I know that everything you have, you took from me. So... Once again I ask you: Why are you here?"

"I'm here, Charles, to tell you that I'm going to kill your daughter. Penelope, is it? And once she's gone, once she's dead, then you'll understand how I feel. And you'll wish you hadn't changed the rules."

Think my hero hypothesis is broken here? Nope. Remember that. I have a bet with myself here about how Ben will achieve his goal AND remain the hero. Watch this space. I'll tell you more as the event draws near.

"You'll never find her."

Ben doesn't say anything. He simply turns to leave.

"That island's mine, Benjamin. It always was. It will be again."

"But you'll never find it."

"Then I suppose the hunt is on for both of us."

"I suppose it is. Sleep tight, Charles."

I bet Ben finds Penny before Charles finds the island. After all, Ben's a fucking ninja.