Patients Make the Worst Doctors.

That's right ladies and gentlemen. Among several other things that happened this week, Dr. Jack tried oversee his own appendectomy.

Um...Jack?

In the history of bad ideas, watching your own abdominal surgery in a mirror under primitive conditions falls somewhere between "Cop Rock", letting Joel Schumacher direct a Batman movie and invading Russia in the winter time.

This week opens with Juliet calling Jack to wake him up. He awakes to find the camp in turmoil as Bernard and Rose are on the offensive with Daniel and Charlotte, trying to get them to explain why they've been lying about the eminent rescue and why suddenly there is no signal on the sat phone.

Charlotte asks a reasonable question. "How are we supposed to know why they're not answering?"

Rose has abandoned reasonable answers. "Oh, who's talking to you?"

"And in case you haven't noticed, we're not on the bloody boat, are we?"

"Just watch your tone, Red." I don't care if it turns out that Charlotte is also a fucking ninja, Rose would beat her silly on principle alone.

Jack finally gets up the strength to interrupt the conversation and calm everyone down.

"I know they're lying. I know it. Sooner or later, their people are gonna come back for them, and when they do, we'll be waiting for them."

"Unless they run off again."

As he reminds the group that he made a promise to them, that he would get them all off the island, whatever malady is weakening him finally takes over and he falls to the ground and loses consciousness.

In a nice bed in a nice room, Jack slowly wakes up to the sound of a phone ringing. The woman on the phone, Jane, has called to remind him of a change on his calendar and that he has an appointment at 11 O'Clock that morning. He gets out of bed, wraps a towel around his waist (Um...why is there a towel in the bed? I mean, perhaps it's there for a {ahem} good reason, but would he then want to wear it down to breakfast?) and heads downstairs, picking up a pair of frilly pink panties on the way.

I'll be honest. I briefly (pun intended) entertained the idea that after all of the island trauma, Jack returns to the mainland and becomes a cross-dresser.

He deposits the slinky bit of crotch wear into a hamper on his way out of the bedroom and heads downstairs. In the kitchen he trips over a replica Millennium Falcon. I know that most people assume that the presence of such an item indicates a child lives in the house. Not so. Many adults, myself included, own similar replicas. What indicates that there is a child in the house is that it's on the floor, not displayed proudly under glass with its own humidity and temperature controls.

He clears away last night's wine glasses and starts the coffee. A quick scan of the paper tells him that the Yankees have just completed a sweep of the Red Sox in a series. The opening line of the article reads "The sweep was more emphatic last August" indicating that this article is likely from some time in 2007, since the Yankees took 5 in a row from the Sox in an infamous five game series in August the previous year. I can't make out too much more of the article, but it seems to indicate a 5-0 victory for the Yankees, which means it's the August 31, 2007 game. So it seems like we're seeing Jack on September 1, 2007. I don't know if that's significant, but hey, I'm a LOST fan. We live for this stuff.

He tosses the news unhappily on the counter with a disgusted "A-Rod" comment and heads back upstairs for a shower.

He isn't the only one with that idea, since a female form is already in the shower.

So much for my Jackie Shepherd idea...

The gal in the shower tells him that she bought him a razor and that it's by the sink.

When he hears the water go off, Jack rushes over to the shower stall and holds out a towel for his lady. The door opens to reveal...Kate!

I'll be honest. I spend a lot of time talking to my television, particularly when I watch Lost. All I could say here was "Buh?" I really didn't expect that. Didn't even hear "Kate" in the voice from the shower, actually. I really thought it would be Juliet.

Jack's chivalrous towel fetching wins him a wet, naked kiss. Lucky bastard.

Later, Jack is reading to Aaron.

"I wonder if I've been changed in the night. Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? But if I'm not the same, the next question is, 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle"

Well, Jack, considering that the current you has no appendectomy scar, I'm thinking something's up.

(Through the Looking Glass sidenote: This is an excerpt from "Alice In Wonderland" by Lewis Carroll. Trippy alternate reality, LSD like elements, drug smoking caterpillars, insane women with axe fetishes, invisible creatures in the trees all grounded by a cute little blonde who is the only sane one in the story. Um...could they be trying to tell us something? Not to mention the whole "Looking Glass" station and it's ties to Carroll's sequel to Alice in Wonderland, "Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There" which tells of the infamous Jabberwock {"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!/The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!/Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun/The frumious Bandersnatch!"} in it's hallucinatory pages.)

Kate watches him lovingly as he reads to the boy and tells him that he's a natural as they turn out the light in the child's room.

"My old man used to read me that story." Gee. I wonder if anybody ever read it to Claire?

Kate likes to hear him say nice things about his Dad.

"I don't say nice things about my dad? Well, he was a good storyteller. I'll give him that."

She tells him that she's glad he changed his mind about seeing Aaron and that he's there.

He's also glad he's there.

Considering that the kid is asleep and Kate's not wearing any pants, I'd be glad to be there too.

Lucky bastard.

On the beach, Jack returns to consciousness and despite the best efforts of Kate and Juliet, he insists he's simply dehydrated and wanders off to get some rest.

Out in the jungle, Claire is also insisting that she's fine, despite the blow to the head that she took when he house fell on her.

"Bit of a headache, but at least I'm not seeing things anymore."

Miles asks, "Yeah? What'd you see?"

Sawyer gets a bit protective at this point. "Back off, Donger."

(PCI {Pop-Culture Impairment} sidenote: I had to look up "Donger" because I never watched "Sixteen Candles", "Pretty in Pink" or "Breakfast Club" type films as a teen in the eighties. And I never will...)

As Sawyer tries to change the subject, Miles tunes in to the events that occurred in the clearing earlier. He hears bullets whizzing and Alex yelling before he asks "Who's Danielle and Karl?"

Within a few seconds of swiping at the ground, he finds both of them buried in shallow graves, their faces barely covered.

I am reminded of Locke's advice to Paulo about burying things on the island: "Things don't stay buried on this island."

Sawyer wonders if maybe Miles knew the bodies were there because he was involved in putting them there in the first place.

"They're not my buddies, man. I didn't sign up for this."

The three of them head back to the beach, leaving the two corpses where they found them.

Back at the beach, Juliet convinces Jack to let her examine him in case what he's got is more serious than the food poisoning he suspects.

She does and it is.

"It's your appendix, Jack. When did the pain start?"

"Yesterday."

"Has it ruptured?"

"Not yet."

"Well... I guess we're just gonna have to take it out."

Remember when the Professor had to replace two of Gilligan's fillings and it turned out that the filler he used was actually plastique explosive? This is nothing like that, but since nobody is drawing Gilligan's Island parallels on the show, I feel it's only right that somebody do it for them.

In order to cut Jack's gut open, Juliet is going to need more than a steak knife, so she sends Sun to the medical station to gather the supplies she'll need. Sun worries that she won't be able to recognise all the equipment.

Daniel offers to go with her and help, since he's familiar with the surgical equipment.

"I thought you were a physicist."

"Yeah, well, I've done some animal autopsies, too, so if...if..."

Poor, poor Eloise.

Rose doesn't trust them and neither does Juliet. After Charlotte's attitude nearly sinks the deal, Faraday cowboys up and politely tells her to stop being such a bitch. Juliet finally agrees, but with conditions. She hands Jin her gun.

"Either of them tries to run? Shoot 'em in the leg."

That situation dealt with, she begins issuing instructions for setting up their makeshift operating theatre. "We need to create a sterile environment. Find a hard surface, wash it down, gather as many tarps as you can."

Kate asks why they don't just take Jack to the medical equipment instead of the other way 'round.

"Because if we move him, there's a good chance that his appendix will rupture. And if that happens, he's gonna die."

Out in the jungle, Miles is eyeing Claire and Sawyer doesn't like the look in his eye.

"Don't look at her. Don't talk to her. Don't mess with her. You got a restraining order. 20 feet."

"What are you, her big brother?"

"No. I'm the guy who's gonna put a boot in your face unless you say, 'Yeah. I getcha.'"

"Yeah. I getcha."

Was I the only one really hoping for a fight?

At the beach, Rose and Bernard are washing down the slab of metal that they plan to use as a surgical bed. Bernard sees that Rose is looking concerned and tries to reassure her.

"Honey, I am sure Jack is gonna be okay. An appendectomy is just about the most common kind of surgery there is."

"That's not what I was thinking about. I was thinkin', 'Why did he get sick?'"

"Why? It's just...it's just bad luck."

"The day before we're all supposed to be rescued, the person that we count on the most suddenly comes down with a life-threatening condition, and you're chalking it up to bad luck?"

"Well, what are you saying, that Jack did something to offend the gods? People get sick, Rose."

"Not here. Here, they get better."

In a tent, Juliet is carefully shaving Jack's torso in preparation for his appendectomy.

"When was the last time you did this?"

"An appendectomy or shaving a man's stomach?"

Nothing like getting a laugh out of a guy who's appendix might burst at any moment.

When she tells him that she did a lot of them back in her residency, Jack tells her that he wants to stay awake through the procedure and talk her through it. I'm pretty sure she could have told him that she'd done several in the last week and control freak Jack would have said the same thing. When was the last time Mr. Spinal Surgeon did an appendectomy?

More than staying awake, he wants Kate in the O.T. (Operating Tent) to hold the mirror for him. Or possibly to keep an eye on Juliet and make sure that she doesn't betray his trust and kill him?

Walking with a patient, Jack finishes up the consult with standard surgical admonitions against solid food before surgery. As his patient leaves, a man in a suit catches Jack's attention. It sure looks like the late Christian Shephard.

A colleague approaches him, calling his name several times and distracting him long enough for the man to vanish. He takes the x-ray that his fellow doctor wants him to look over but before he can look at it too closely, the receptionist interrupts to tell him he's got a call from Santa Rosa Hospital about a friend of his.

At Santa Rosa, Dr. Stillman explains to Jack that not only has Hurley stopped sleeping and taking his medication, but his therapy isn't doing any good anymore since he's also stopped believing that Dr. Stillman exists.

Jack enters Hurley's room and immediately asks him why he's stopped his medication.

"'Cause we're dead... All of us. All the Oceanic Six. We're all dead. We never got off that island.

"Hurley... That is not true."

"What'd you do today?"

"What did I do today? I, uh... I woke up, took a shower. Uh, Kate and I fed the baby."

"I thought you didn't want anything to do with Aaron."

"I changed my mind after the trial."

"Living with Kate. Taking care of Aaron. It all seems so perfect. Just like heaven."

"Just because I'm happy doesn't mean that this isn't real, Hurley."

"I was happy, too, Jack. For a while, anyway. Then I saw Charlie. He likes to sit with me on the bench out on the front lawn. It's pretty cool, actually."

Jack asks what the two of them talk about and Hurley produces a message that Charlie sent for Jack, making Hurley write it down so he'd get it right. "You're not supposed to raise him, Jack."

Jack doesn't seem happy about hearing this. As he leaves, he has one final instruction for Hurley. "Take your meds, Hurley. Just take 'em."

Just before he closes the door, Hurley has one final thing to say. "Hey, Jack? Charlie said someone's gonna be visiting you, too. Soon."

Kudos to the director of this episode for making this scene stand out in an uber creepy way, particularly considering that it focused on the warmest, cuddliest cast member.

Out in the jungle, Sun, Jin, Charlotte and Daniel reach the medical station. Charlotte opens the doors, but Daniel asks her to let him go first, to make sure that it's safe. I find it odd that Jin wouldn't suspiciously go with him to make sure that he didn't betray them, but if he had then the next part of the scene wouldn't happen.

As Daniel disappears into the hatch, Jin asks Sun in Korean if she thinks that Charlotte knows that Faraday likes her.

"She's a woman. She knows."

At this, Charlotte turns and flashes a smile over her shoulder at the Korean couple. Yeah, she speaks Korean and Jin suspects.

Inside the station, Daniel wonders where the power is coming from to keep the lights on, but Charlotte just tells him to add that anomaly to the list.

In Korean, Sun tells Jin that she thinks that the freighter group isn't going to help them. He notices Charlotte watching them as they speak, but despite having his suspicions confirmed, he tells Sun "Don't worry about them. I promise you, Sun. I will get you and our baby off this island."

Speaking of babies that get off the island, Aaron and company are out in the jungle when they hear a rustling in the leaves up ahead. Sawyer pushes Claire gently behind him, aiming at where he thinks he sees something.

Through the trees comes...Lapidus!

Miles recognises him but before any formal introductions can be made, the pilot convinces the group that they have to hide before Keamy and his mercenaries find them. Sawyer grabs Claire and they run into the brush. No sooner do they get out of sight than Keamy and company, carrying an obviously wounded comrade, stumble out of the jungle.

In a scene that reminded me of the bus scene in the finale of M*A*S*H where Hawkeye demands that a woman keep her child quiet lest they all be caught by the North Koreans (if you've never seen the finale, I can't recommend it highly enough and I won't spoil it for you - if you have seen it, you'll never forget that scene) Claire tries desperately to keep Aaron from giving their position away.

Keamy hears something, but he lets Lapidus convince him to head back to the chopper when he tells him that he absolutely won't fly Faraday's bearings in the dark.

Whew!

(Lack of tension sidenote: This scene was tense, but since we know that Aaron makes it off the island, not that tense. One big drawback of the flash forwards.)

Back on the beach, Kate tells Juliet that they've got the surgery tent all set. Juliet asks her to help out during the surgery. When Kate seems hesitant, Juliet lets her know that all she needs to do is hold a mirror so Jack can watch the surgery and talk Juliet through it. Juliet is surprised when Kate starts to chuckle.

"What?"

"I'm just surprised he's not taking it out of himself by now."

Just then, Jack comes out of the tent, stubbornly insisting on walking the 50 feet to the makeshift operating room. As Kate ducks under his shoulder to help him, he starts to tell her what to do in case anything happens to him.

"Shut up, Jack."

"Fair enough."

(Dialogue sidenote: "Fair enough" was Locke's agreement statement when Sawyer warned him not to hurt Hurley in the previous episode.)

Outside of Santa Rosa Hospital, Jack sits in his SUV (he does that a lot...) and stares at the bench where Hurley sits and talks with Charlie.

As is usual for Jack in a moment after sitting in his car and thinking, he does something rash. After asking Kate if she really thinks that he's good at the whole child rearing gig, he pops the question. A teary Kate is thrilled to say that she will indeed marry him.

Let's see, a cop, a doctor... If Kate ends up marrying an Indian Chief, she'll prove my new theory that she's secretly a recruiter for the Village People.

After dark on the beach, Sun's party returns and Juliet directs her to the water they have boiling to sterilize the instruments. As the group breaks up, Jin confronts Charlotte. He speaks to her in Korean. She feigns not understanding, but he's certain she does and continues.

"If you continue to lie... I'm going to hurt your friend Daniel. I'm going to break his fingers one at a time. Do you understand that?"

Sure enough, Charlotte understands that.

"What do you want?

"When the helicopter comes for you... You're going to take my wife off this island."

"What about you and the rest of your friends?"

"Just get her on the helicopter."

With a nod, a conversation that was almost the reverse of the one that Jin had with the Korean speaking white guy in the airport, is over. Yeah, Charlotte's motives are as clear as mud. Hey, Ben has Michael, why couldn't Mr. Paik have Charlotte?

In the Gilligan's Island surgical theatre, Bernard injects Jack's abdomen with the Lidocaine but warns him that he's not going to be totally numb once the incision opens him up.

Jack directs Kate to place the mirror where he can see it and Juliet starts the incision. As anyone with half a brain could have predicted, Jack is unable to handle the pain and over his objections, Bernard uses the chloroform to knock him out. Jack the surgeon should know that there's a pretty good reason that appendectomies are done under general anesthetic, not local - it's called abdominal surgery, not happy fun tickle time.

Back in the x-ray room, Jack is going over a patient's diagnosis when he hears an insistent beeping. He follows it out into the hall to discover that it's a smoke detector gone haywire. He grabs a chair and gets up to remove the battery. Once he's down, he starts back to his office when he hears someone call his name.

It's Christian. The late, unlamented Christian. Jack is dumbfounded. As he starts toward the apparition of his dead father, another voice calls his name.

It's Erika, asking if he's okay. When he turns back, Christian is gone.

Jack lamely explains about the smoke detector as Erika gets ready to leave for the night. Just before she's gone, he asks her to do him a favour and write him a prescription for clonazepam, explaining that he's having trouble sleeping with all that's going on in his life at the moment.

"You know, getting engaged is supposed to help reduce stress, not create it."

This woman has obviously never planned a wedding in her life.

She gives him the prescription and suggests that maybe he should talk to somebody.

"I'll do that."

Question: Does clonazepam have any side effects? Like rampant facial hair growth?

Coming home, Jack overhears Kate on the phone with someone.

"Yeah, I'll just have the nanny stay for an extra couple hours. Jack's never home before 8:00 anyway. I could stay for at least an hour. (Keys jangle) I--I gotta go. Jack's home. Yeah, okay. I'll call you later. Bye."

"Sorry. I thought you'd be in bed. Who was that?"

"That was Noreen."

"Noreen?"

"Yeah. She's one of the moms from the park. What?"

"Nothing. I just... never heard you mention her before."

"Well, now you have."

Kate heads up to bed, leaving Jack to scarf a couple of clonazepam's and wash them down with a beer. Geez, even before he starts taking the things he's lost interest in the fact that Kate's taking her sweet little self up to bed...

Out in the jungle, Claire wakes up to find that Aaron is no longer sleeping beside her. She looks around and sees something unexpected. Aaron in the arms of a familiar figure. Christian.

"Dad?"

At the beach, Bernard gives Kate the bad news. Jack's fine and will live to whine and bawl another day.

She heads in to see him and finds Juliet stitching him up, something she too has done before. After reassuring her that Jack will be fine as long as they can get him to rest, Juliet tells Kate a secret.

"You know, he kissed me."

"What?"

"The other day, when you came back from the other side of the Island, Jack kissed me."

"Oh."

"It was nice. But it wasn't for me. It was for him. I'm pretty sure he was trying to prove something."

"Prove what?"

"That he doesn't love someone else."

Kate takes that in and then thanks Juliet, ostensibly for saving Jack's life, but it's a double edged expression of gratitude.

After she's gone, Juliet informs Jack that she knows he's awake. He heard every word.

Back in the world, Jack sits in a darkened room, surrounded by dead soldiers when Kate arrives home. He quizzes her about why the nanny was still there when he got home, but that's obviously not what he really wants to know. She asks him why he's home so early.

"I went to see Hurley."

"Today?"

"Last Friday."

"Why didn't you tell me? I would've gone with you."

"Because he's crazy, Kate, and I didn't wanna upset you." With a sigh, Jack changes the subject. "Where were you today?"

She tries desperately to get him to drop the subject but he's adamant. Finally, she tells him the awful (ok, it's actually not awful - for a normal person it would be barely worth raising one's voice over, but naturally for Jack it's beyond bearable) truth.

"I was doing something for him."

"For who?"

"For Sawyer. I made him a promise. It..."

When he asks why she didn't just tell him, she claims it's because Sawyer wouldn't want her to.

"But he's not here, is he? No. No, he made his choice. He chose to stay. I'm the one who came back. I'm the one who's here. I'm the one who saved you."

"Jack. You can't...You can't do this. If you have problems, you need to figure them out. All right? 'Cause I can't have you like this around my son."

"Your son? You're not even related to him!"

Naturally, Aaron choses this moment to enter the room.

It seems from this that Jack might be aware that he's Aaron's biological uncle, but my guess is that he's just being an asshole. Much like my new "Everything at face value" policy in regards to the show in general, I'm starting a new "Jack's just being an asshole" policy this week. I simply can't believe that he actually knows anything.

Out in the jungle, Sawyer awakes to find that the camp is short two members.

He asks Miles about the missing duo.

"Where's Claire? Ladies' room?"

"Nope. She just walked off into the jungle."

"What? When?"

"In the middle of the night. Just got up and left."

"You let her go alone?"

"She wasn't alone."

"Well, who was she with?"

"She called him "Dad". I'd have followed them, but I have a restraining order."

Naturally we all wonder if ghostbuster Miles saw a real Christian or a ghost Christian. Sawyer, not knowing about Miles' "gift" takes a more practical approach to the problem and grabs Miles with intent to wound. Before he can put the promised boot in Miles' face a baby's cry catches his attention and he runs off into the jungle to try to find Aaron calling for Claire as he searches.

He finds Aaron, but no sign of Claire. Channelling Michael, he cries "Claire! Claire! Claire! Claaaaaiiiire!"

Anybody wanna lay odds that Sawyer's reason for staying is that they haven't found Claire when the rescue opportunity happens?